"Don't worry about rushing to get the kids home, take your time," she said, obviously upset and in the middle of some sort of dramatic crisis, in mental pain. I wanted to ask what was going on, but knew that it would mean getting involved with something, getting dragged into an emotional whirlpool, and returning to being supportive at a level that I should not be.
My worst fear is that her boyfriend will have had enough and will leave her. It's a crazy thought, as he seems to like her quite a lot. It's not impossible, however, because as unfazed as he may appear at our not-as-far-as-most separation, men are notorious for not disclosing where the emotional bodies are buried, much less digging them up for all to see. There would likely be other factors I know nothing about.
What I do know... His father may be quite ill, may have passed away. Trauma and significant events cause people to re-evaluate their lives and their directions.
Put this possibility aside for now.
I want the divorce, I want the peace that comes with finality, but I'm afraid to rock the boat when all has been so calm and improved with the current separation.
Too much analysis. There is no perfect time. I just need to decide and to act.
But I sit here anxious.
I think I just assumed you guys were divorced already. Have you asked yet or is this 'question' what makes you angst? I'm really sorry - I hope things go well.
ReplyDeletemen are notorious for not disclosing where the emotional bodies are buried, much less digging them up for all to see
Obviously we're talking about ones feelings rather than crying here, so why do you think men find it hard to talk about how they're feeling?
Gosh I thought you were divorced too. This is an area totally outside of my realm, but if she has a boyfriend and you're off finding someone new, sounds like divorce is the best option.
ReplyDeleteYou're awfully sweet to take her relationship with new guy into consideration!
I second M's question!
M: I broached the subject before leaving, and she said, "whenever you want", but the topic was quickly changed. One discussion we had last year gave me the impression that I would be "dead to her" after divorce, a non-entity of sorts (not in so many words, but...) so I have this fear about things changing for the worse. Plus my normal fear of change. Just like riding the watercoaster here this week, I just need to suck it up and do it, knowing that the first drop will be the worst and I'll just have to hang on for dear life for awhile until it's over.
ReplyDeleteWow. What a sudden and apt metaphor that is.
Men don't want to talk about their feelings simply because that is the training they've received, the examples they've been given, the expections they think are upon them.
DS: Yes, there's no question that the divorce is needed, on several levels. The delay (my original plan was for it to be done on July 1st, one year after our signed separation agreement) may even be a factor is messing up things with her boyfriend, but that's just my speculation...
Perhaps all the turmoil and emotions I have indicate that we're still too close, too friendly, and that I have some in-depth probing of my motivations and fears to do... not that that means I don't want the divorce, but that perhaps at some level I'm stalling (the delay is for my reasons), caving (the delay is for her reasons), or...?
P.S. For a male, it's not just hard to talk about them, but hard to even feel them, or acknowledge to oneself that there are emotions in existence. The blockade is somewhere in the brain, not just at the tongue.
ReplyDeleteI think that I will keep my mouth shut on this one as you know my thoughts on this subject. Although I do think that having her not like you or think poorly of you is a big reason you may be stalling.
ReplyDeleteYes...
ReplyDelete