Broken

One sign of my mental state is how often I transpose letters as I type, and how often I write the wrong homonym.

I'm an excellent speller, and I know my grammar. It bugs the hell out of me when I see someone type "your" when it should be "you're".

When I do it, it's not because I don't know better, it's because my brain is broken. An ongoing lack of sleep is always the cause.

This week I had to cancel two dates because I had had too many days in a row where the sleep was lacking. I'm not sure how many, and by how much, but I know it's been almost a week where for almost every night have I had perhaps 5 hours of sleep.

Night before last was my first attempt to fix it, cancelling a date, sending the kids off to their mother's, going to bed early. I ended up being on the phone until 10, couldn't get to sleep until at least midnight, woke up at 7:30am. Although I worked in the morning because I had to, because I had bollocked up a software release and it was broken, the day quickly slid down like the start of an avalanche. Most of the day is a blur in my memory because most of the day my mind was a blurred smudge of near thought. So last night, I went to bed around 7... so tired I had called my ex and had her pick up the kids, something I rarely do. She came in briefly to check in on me, and molest me (hands only, clothes on) for a few seconds in celebration of our "un-anniversary" as she called it, and I was too out of it to protest and stop her as I normally would have. They left, and sleep came slowly, but I'm sure by 9 or 10 I was gone. I woke first at 6am, aware of dreams for the first time in a long time, and went back to sleep for one more cycle. 7:40am the night was complete. I still have bags under my eyes, a sore neck, weariness hanging about me, but at least there was only one transposition in the first sentence I typed today.

Perhaps today I will start becoming unbroken again.


Today's song: Amy Winehouse - My Tears Dry on Their Own. Picked because I believe it will be the third single off her album, and because I like it.