Spat

I need to focus on the future, not on the past.

A series of e-mails with the prof have once again devolved into a discussion of how abusive it was of me to date two women at once, especially with openness. It would have been better had she never read this blog, and even better had I never discussed with her the mechanics of maintaining both relationships, my feelings, my intention to be fair. Don't read that as a condemnation of any kind, of either of us. She feels how she feels, with reason. I feel how I feel, with reason. We're simply both looking at the same events from different angles, and making different conclusions.

The only vindication I get out of all this is that my impulse to cut off all contact at the point where she broke up with me was probably a good one. It certainly would have avoided the current state of affairs.

The future is uncertain. I plan to change my life so that there is room for someone to share it with me. I want to offer a better opportunity than I have in the past. I don't know how long it will take to sleep better, have fewer soccer commitments, and more fully extract myself from the web of my ex, but I do know that I think all of the claims people make about it being good to be alone are complete bullshit. I don't think there is someone within myself to discover, that can only be discovered when I'm not in a relationship. Who we are is defined by our reaction to the events around us, to the people around us, to the situation we're in. I don't need to be lonely to find out who I truly am.

So, my interim scheme seems workable. Randomly pick from the people on online dating sites who do not have a picture, and ask them out on a date in a strangely bold manner. Every Friday someone new until I find someone I like. This waiting for the next girl to contact me is taking too long.