Dissonance

I wanted to break up.

Instead we had sex for the first time in weeks.

When she said she loved me, I said I loved her too.

I am lying, I think, and the whole purpose behind even staying in this relationship is to not make her unhappy, or so I am beginning to suspect.

I am also afraid to be alone again.

I shouldn't be.

I really shouldn't be.

She's not all that bad, even if I'm feeling she's needy at the moment. That might not be an accurate description. I might just want my own space, some distance, and what might be reasonable needs on her part are being misinterpreted on my part.

There is no objective observer to tell me which is the case.

I will need to figure it out.

It would be a mistake to put life on hold if this isn't where I want to be.

It would be a mistake to move on if this is what I've been looking for.

I am unsettled.