Decisions

I'm not entirely without remorse, or a sense of loss that is felt all the way through to my heart, but any regrets are quickly pushed aside because of the scale of the personality disorders.

I have two major, well, major-ish, decisions to make.

One.

She left behind some odds and ends. A chair, knives, cups, and other kitchen utensils, a towel, food items... I don't think she would ever ask for them, even if she missed them, but I hate to get rid of something that does not belong to me. Do I wait a month or two? Or do I clean it out now?

Two.

I get a two and a half week break from soccer in November. I try to schedule a vacation then, rather than the traditional December or January that most people take. The plan this year was a road trip to San Diego with the dark-haired girl. At the time I was thinking of the two people that I know there through blogging, and regretting that I wouldn't be able to meet them since it would freak out the dark-haired girl.

I still need and want a vacation. Despite having been to the western Rocky Mountain states (such as Montana, Idaho and Nevada) 30 or 40 times now, a trip to California would still provide me with the chance to see things I haven't seen before (I've only been there once - Disneyland when I was 10 years old), and shop for some clothes for my boys in advance of Christmas. Do I make a short trip, focusing on the shopping? Do I go to San Diego and try to find Kat and Raspberry? Do I make it journey of familiarity, or a challenge to see how many new places and activities I can pack in on my own, and meet as many people as possible along the way?

Or do I blow every penny I have in the bank and just fly somewhere warm for a couple of weeks?

I don't know. I suppose I need to do something.

Even outside of all the shit in the relationship, I've worked much too much, and lost my treasured balance in life. I always pitied those who worked just to expand their empire of material goods, and missed out on actually living life, and now I'm unintentionally joining their world.

So.

Throw everything out that isn't mine. The owner will not be claiming it.

Get a camera, pick a direction and maybe a mode of transportation, and see a new part of the world.

I'm 42, dammit. I'm still in the prime of my life, and I don't need any more regrets about being too slow to act, too chicken to experience life, and too me to live.