Pulse

I wonder if I'll always remember that feeling of panic I had two weeks ago, when I arrived on the island.  I somehow had forgotten to pack my Rx, and only discovered this when I reached my claustrophia inducingly small hotel room. I frantically went through every pocket and crevasse of every bag, fearfully imagining what the vacation would be like in a constant state of narcoleptic haze.

I had fortunately at least had a backup, a year old expired 5mg version that required me to dose myself every few hours 3 to 4 times a day instead of one sweet 20mg steady-state ride that I'd become used to.  Even so, it wasn't until I carefully thought and carefully counted them out before I started to calm down.  But I'm not a junkie, I told myself, it's a necessity.

I didn't use as much as I thought I would need to, although many days I blamed the lack of the steady-state version of the drug for overeating, as one of the wonderful side effects and off book uses is appetite control.  If you have higher levels of dopamine in your brain, you just don't feel as hungry.  This is why exercise not only burns calories, but can prevent you from wanting so badly to replace them immediately.  I envy people with naturally high levels, even as I recall being one of them in my skinny youth.

Soon I will be home, and back on the full dosage.  And, as always, I will be vigilantly examining my mental self to see what it is doing to me.  That aspect of my personality will likely not change.