Despite the fact that I specifically asked her not to search this blog out, the masochist has now appeared as a reader here.
To her credit, she made a point of telling me that she had done so, rather than me finding out some other way.
It is interesting that her reaction is quite different than some my past experiences - she is mostly worried about my reaction to her breaking her word to me, and found my telling of our first sexual explorations to be squirm-inducing in a positive way.
One can't complain about any of that, I suppose.
Yes you fucking can. You "specifically asked her not to search this blog out" yet she did it anyway. Your choice, of course, in how you decide to feel about it and what, if anything, you're going to do about it but my opinion is that it's not cool to disregard someone's boundaries or personal space, especially when they were made clear.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... How do I begin to explain how I resolved this?
ReplyDeleteFirst, I expressed my disappointment.
Then, I took some responsibility because in my opinion I knew she was not going to be able to restrain her curiosity, but I mentioned the blog anyway.
That fact didn't excuse anything, but it did allow me to select recourse that I felt more suitable than complete ex-communication, which is what she expected.
Keep in mind, this isn't quite a mainstream relationship, so the following will likely shock some readers.
I chose to withhold sex. Instead, her punishment, and yes, that's the term for it, was to be handcuffed, wearing a leather hood that covered her eyes and ears, while I read excerpts from Sam Harris' book "Free Will". She said afterward that the book was an excellent choice.
Any illusion of normalcy quickly dissipates with that image. I feel defensive.
And yet, I draw parallels with previous "normal" relationships. So many cases where there were latent submissive or kinky tendencies in the women I dated. They were too hard to ignore.
Many years ago, I had a girlfriend would choke me during sex (she warned me first), and I enjoyed it greatly, with some level of surprise.
Several of the women I've dated have asked for spankings, either on the back, or on the front (and you'd probably be surprised by who they were, in terms of the contrast with their envied career path or the strictness of their religious beliefs).
I rarely enjoy receiving oral attention, but I did enjoy it when my girlfriend enacted her fantasy of submissively kneeling while servicing me. There were girlfriends that enjoyed porn a lot more than I do. That went topless in front at city hall. Offered to let me try out anal sex. Had multiple experiences in bed with other girls. So many fetishes and kinks I can't remember them all.
So... Strangely, I have often been in the position where I am a caring person, a feminist, a source of security, empathic, and yet I am in the dominant role in the sexual realm. Mixing pain and pleasure, control and manipulation, all in a positive sense.
Human sexuality is complicated, but I accept that.
I'm just not sure how that will be received in the light of day.
But... I happily accept any opportunity to share in a woman's pleasures, and to express my own complicated sexuality in safe and creative ways, free of malice.
A lot of words just to say - it sounds weird, but it's all good.
Ha! Yes, after I posted that comment, it occurred to me that I had a 'normal' reaction based on how I would feel in my normal-compared-to-yours relationships. Guess all that goes out the window when the foundation for your relationship is about pushing boundaries and coloring outside the lines.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I did also wonder why you mentioned the blog to her...considering you've been through this before. I guess, to be more specific: Did you want her to read it as a way to get to know you better, or simply so you could punish her?
No need to feel defensive. Fuck what other people (strangers or acquaintances who read your blog) think. Easier said than done, I know. But you are never gonna please everyone by what you do and/or say so answer to yourself and try to be a decent person to those closest to you. (pretty sure I've mentioned this before.)
I like reading your blog because it's so different than anything else I've read or experienced in my life. Most people I can pretty well 'get' (or get a good idea about) fairly quickly from talking to them or reading their blog. You, however...are perplexing. :)
The "did I want her to read it" part of those questions wasn't a conscious decision, and I have no true explanation for it.
ReplyDeleteSo much of what we do is driven by parts of us we don't understand, or aren't even aware of. We (as the conscious part of our brain) come up with reasons later, but I don't believe in their accuracy.
My guess is that I wanted her to read it because I wanted her to read it.
Ego and self-esteem issues (high and/or low) are the most likely drivers. Know me... love me... please.
I do have a history of self-exposure.