J said I was trying to get right back into what I just got out of. Like my first months not being married were solely devoted to finding a relationship that would lead back into marriage. It took years for that statement to stop being true.
As my grandparents reached the end of their lives, I once again changed, seemingly desperate to find stability and a long-term relationship that would cover my ass in my final years. A grand circle back to the beginning. Insecurity blanketing every part of my word, the little boy in need of someone to take care of him.
Fear is a poor assistant when making decisions.
It's not that the goal is a bad one. It's just that when the goal seems all-important and the options so scarce, reaching the goal may turn out to be a disaster.
How can a knee-jerk reaction be years in the making? I think I've demonstrated that through my choices.
And now I have no passion for life, no interest in sex, and I'm just going from day to day trying to do the basics. Do the minimum to keep this relationship afloat. Do what's necessary to have an income. Find peace in housecleaning. Avoid rocking the boat, thinking too much, taking actions.
Just another drone buzzing overhead, being annoying until my batteries wear down and I'm mercifully thrown onto a garbage heap, purpose nominally served.
Am I going to decided to change this at some point?
Or will the fear of being alone continue to hold me in place?
No comments:
Post a Comment