Dot

"Dot" is the nickname she gave herself after I told her that her role in my life was "the antidote to the other two women in my life, the two I'm trying to put behind me."

Friday night, I was inside the Filipina. Saturday night, I was inside Dot.

The contrast between the two, despite their similar ethnicity, gives me pause when I think about committing to just the Filipina, even should the pregnancy go on. Dot feels more womanly with her head on my chest. More soft and rounded. This is true as well of her lips when we kiss. I get a warmer sensation with her presence. 

This doesn't translate into a strong sexual attraction. There is that, to a level that makes it desirable to have her in my bed. I do get it up eventually and I can penetrate her for a few minutes. But really, she's there as an antidote. 

The Filipina brings out and amplifies the submissive and humiliation-loving part of my sexuality, and it concerns me that things have narrowed to the point where it feels like that's all I have left. Dot lets me retain elements of masculinity and dominance. Dot provides me with a small amount of balance, even if we are unbalanced individually. 

It's like she is a fellow classmate that you barely know, pointing out the words on the blackboard that say "you know that you're never going to be happy enough with just one woman, especially the one you've been clinging to off and on" .... Words that you yourself wrote on the blackboard, but somehow keep forgetting when it comes time to answering the multiple choice questions in life. 

Tomorrow is the ultrasound that confirms or debunks the idea that there is a decision to make. Not that there is a high likelihood that the home test gave a false positive... But you never know if pregnancy has stuck. 

What choice will need to be made tomorrow? And what choice will I make?  

I am almost assured of choosing the direction that will not be a road to happiness. 

But that's only because that's the direction I usually choose, the road I'm already on.