Direction

Today I called the prof and asked her to come watch a game with me that started in 40 minutes. She told me where she was (shopping), and I zipped over, put in my two cents on her shopping decision at her request, and together we went to the game. We held hands, we hurried through the cold into the building where the game was held, we chatted our way to the benches, and we watched the game together. She found my yells in support of the underdogs passionate and not boorish. We left, and at first I was driving her to my place, but then she reminded me that I had much work to do, and had planned on that being my focus on this Sunday. I drove her to her place, and just as we were kissing goodbye my cell rang.

It was my ex. I had been waiting to see if she would take our boys this evening, as she's been quite busy and hasn't seen the boys as much as usual, which isn't a lot to begin with. So I picked it up. It was a brief conversation, and she said that although she was working I could bring the boys downtown and drop them off to hang out while she worked. This would give me some time with the prof, she said. I declined, since it seemed like I would be spending a fair bit of time driving around just so that the boys would be shuffled off into some corner bored and resentful. I ended the call.

the prof and I had a repeat discussion about her need to have some firm plan on when we would next see each other. The uncertainty and last minute plan-making that is a hallmark of my flexible parenting arrangement with "she whose name shall never be spoken" was becoming more uncertain and more last-minute, and was triggering concerns in the prof that came from experiences in previous relationships. It all seemed reasonable to me. We parted, but things were not right.

My ex called again, pressured me for an explanation as to why I didn't go for the opportunity to be with the prof in the evening, and I re-iterated my explanation. She told me about the expensive boots she had bought me for Christmas as a thank you for all that I do for her, and I told her that not only had I repeatedly told her for years not to get me anything expensive, and that it was inappropriate for our current relationship, and that (not that it's any of my business) it's not a good idea to spend money when her bank account is overdrawn and she's so far in debt, but she obviously still doesn't get how important frugality is to me. I asked her if she could return them, and she said no. I tried not to hurt her feelings, and yet not accept the boots, but in the end I have no idea what will happen with them. To be honest, I'm not even sure they exist, but I suppose they might.

My ex then broke down, crying about her frustrating day at work, and the newly arranged trip out of province for surgery, to remove cancerous growths on her kidney. I couldn't be heartless, but I also didn't feel much empathy for her either. It's just a result of being pulled into stories of dramatic extremes so many times during our years of marriage. Too much incredible tales, and soon even the more possible crises fail to evoke a normal response.

I felt sad, more from how things where left with the prof than anything else and was unable to focus on work, so I called her. We talked, and some critical things were shared. She said that it felt a bit creepy that we basically could only have sex when my ex gave us permission. This crystallized the sense of annoyance I always feel when my ex constantly says things such as, "I'll take the boys tonight so you can get laid," ignoring my protests of how inappropriate she is being. It's simply not right.

I need to do better at putting some distance between my ex and I, to do better at stopping her interference.

I worked for a bit, and got a call from a friend who needed a ride to pick up his car... I decided to take a break from work, and combine dropping him off with picking up the prof, some necessary grocery items, and spending some time with her. So that's what I did.

And now we get to the point of this, the impetus to this post.

We spent some time together that had nothing to do with conversations about our relationship, my ex-wife, sex, or anything else terribly stressful. We laughed, we had fun, it was all good. And she grew on me. Some doubts were erased. She grew on me tonight.

As the saying goes, it was something positive to report.


Reader S said:
This post makes me happy. I hope you stick with your goals.

Reader A said:
It makes me happy too. I was sad part way through but it turned out good. I am happy mainly that you are coming to the realization that you need to distance yourself from Ex.