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"She's a very nice girl."

I was just meandering through some old e-mails, and ran across some of the first exchanges a close (and mutual) friend and I had about the dark-haired girl.

That was the original description, and one of the reasons I feel guilty even complaining.

Later, "I don't think she's quite as sweet and innocent as you think. She might surprise you." It was in regard to repressed sexuality, but in hindsight it seems an apt point regarding the relationship in general.

I can't say that I suddenly disagree with the description of her as "nice", but there are differences between the co-worker, the friend, the newly dated, and the lived with. Plus I'm not even sure I'm who others who like me think I am.

Hm. I had trouble writing that.

People who like me.

That was weird, another shudder as I wrote that. And I can't think of a name to put on that list.

I really do still have self-esteem issues.

But back to the point.

It's not whether or not she's a good person in various situations. It's whether or not she's a good person for me, and vice versa.

The things that have most disturbed me are the things that only a boyfriend would experience, and that's the experience I have, and the experience I can expect to have in the future if the relationship continues.

I know. I'm guilty. I've done things I regret in my life, and so has pretty much everyone. But I have a couple of baselines here.

I've dated someone for over a year before. Any arguments had in that relationship never got this bad, never saw the woman or myself storming off, or beating fists into oneself until the bruising looked like a motorcycle accident aftermath.

I know. Every situation is unique, and I can't judge the current moment by the past.

I've ignored warning signs before. And I know what happens. It's not good.

So, the question remains.

Am I reading this situation correctly? Is it just me, just my point of view? I mean, I always say - if someone complains that everyone is always crapping on them, chances are it's that person that has the problem, not the whole world.

And...

She prompts me to say that I miss her.

So I say it.

But I haven't been meaning it.

So I'm lying to her, just so that she can be happy until she gets back.

I don't feel good about it... a bad person deceives, so that makes me...

Wishy-washy at best.