No, not the musical art form.
I seem to be slipping in and out of one regularly now.
I have been on the border of a depression... even tonight, it was bad enough that I almost didn't play soccer, and didn't care terribly much when I did.
There was a fleeting contemplation of suicide, not serious enough to be worried about, but just a momentary reflection that "to have this calm, empty, hopeless feeling, sitting in my car, this perhaps is how P felt before he blew his brains out" in front of my childhood home, so many years ago.
It's not that I'm where he was, to be sure.
But... more days than not... I do not feel things will improve.
I believe more and more strongly that this city is too small and too unhealthy to find the type of person I'm looking for. I have to move far, far away, and yet I cannot give up everything else, no matter how empty life is.
Ah, quiet desperation. How familiar you have become.
As somebody who has been there, I just want to say that things will get better again. Life has been good to you in the past and it will be again, even though the trough of the wave keeps you from seeing that right now. Grit your teeth, hang in there and keep up the exercise.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. It really does.
Depression is a b*tch. Mine is the seasonal type. I get the SADS. Seasonal Affective...You know what I am saying. I live in Michigan, so, I have to be medicated for most of the year.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you can do is be physically active, as you are doing. I am just wondering if meds may help you? I am in no way calling you crazy. I know I have a history of depression in my family, and there is a genetic cause. I was very resistant to taking meds, but, hey, they help. Hope I did not insult you. I know for a fact that men are very against going to docs for help. Please excuse my poor spelling, and I hope I did not offend you with my arm chair diagnosis.
One last thing, if you decide to ask for help, go to a female doctor.
ReplyDeleteI consider myself crazy , but then again I use a definition that means everyone is also crazy to some extent.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a clinical depression, I think, because I can pop out of it. But it spans too much if my life, and there are more days than I would like where I cannot do more than let time pass me by...