Fallen

Hubris has felled me more than once recently.
 
Recently in a soccer game, I was up against a much much better player, and thought I had him beat.  As I congratulated myself the ball slipped slightly out of my control, and in that fraction of second he took it and ran past me.  I was in a play, in a spot on the field where you don't take chances, and I knew better.  I felt the fool and my teammates loudly agreed.
 
But that's not the event that brings me to writing this, of course.
 
I am searching for love.
 
I am searching for a lifetime of happiness with someone.
 
I have long made myself unnecessarily lonely by being picky, and miserable by not being picky enough, seemingly unable to get it right.
 
Last year was a good year because I fought back against that.  I carried on with relationships that I would have tossed aside after the first date.  I made efforts to meet people and get out and do things.
 
As the year came to a close and I found myself in a sensitive situation, being involved with multiple people, I congratulated myself.  I was with women I liked, and I was doing them a favour.
 
I love to be harsh on myself for some reason, but it is true - I literally thought that way more than once.  I was in the masochist's life to fill in the pieces her other men were not providing.  For Mercury, I was someone to talk to and help her withstand a boyfriend that was a manipulative golddigger with violent tendencies.  Finally, I saw Birdie as someone whose living arrangements might prevent her from having anything steady, noting that she was always late, regularly cancelling dates at the last minute, and not responding to messages for days at a time.
 
I got what I wanted - between the three of them I had a full-time relationship, and I thought I was making their lives better.
 
It's not that I suddenly doubt that they wanted me, or that I wasn't doing positive things.  What I find fault with is the hubris of considering it a favour.  Relationships are an exchange, not a granting of favours.

I am an ass.
 
I have to figure out a way to ensure that I can allow myself to have confidence, but not become an egomaniac when unexpected success befalls me.
 
When the ball was taken from me, my eyes were open, but I wasn't seeing. 
 
My eyes were open, but I wasn't seeing.