Confidence

It's magic, for a couple of days when I return.

Once again I noticed the change in myself.

While on vacation I went to go-go bars, and on my first visit I couldn't actually look at the girls, even though they were the whole reason anyone goes there.  As time progressed, and I felt more comfortable, that improved.  By the time I went on one of the last days of the trip, I was confidently scanning them as though I were an admiring shopper, and handled the wait staff's customer management with aplomb.  The latter meant choosing my own seat, and finding that I only had to buy the drinks I wanted, for myself, and one girl I chose to talk to, rather than being hassled into spending money.

Despite all that, I merely talked and didn't touch or buy.  That night I had already made arrangements to revisit the woman from the first go-go bar.

But that's not the point.

The point is what happened when I got home.

I found that I was still in "I see women" mode and was somehow automatically bringing attention to myself and smiles to the faces of girls I walked past or interacted with.  Somehow my sins had translated into confidence, and I spread some subtle form of flirtatious joy without any conscious intention.  There is no feeling like having a strange woman return your smile wholeheartedly.

It occurred to me how important travel was to my health, body and mind.  I lost weight, I kept fit, and it gave me swagger, if only for a few days past the adventure.

I cannot, should not give it up.  If I don't live like this, even if just once a year, how can I be alive?