In every direction, a closed door.
I can't imagine someone that I'd want to spend a lifetime with. It's not that I don't wish to have someone to spend a lifetime with - I just don't see that someone showing up.
I'm very picky. So picky that I give up and take someone almost good enough.
And then live unhappily.
I'm not sure if the problem is that I'm unrealistic in my expectations or I'm not casting my net wide enough.
I just want someone I get along with, someone I can love who loves me back, who is responsible where it counts and whimsical where it counts. And, the parts that are lacking in the Geek: a nice person who I find attractive.
That's the desire. That's the dream.
But.
It's not happening. Worse, I can't see it happening.
So for now I drag this breakup out.
Time is slipping through my hands but I don't know how to make it un-regrettable.
What made you marry your first wife? I'm just curious in what shifted between then and now.
ReplyDeleteLow self-esteem, shallowness, opportunity.
ReplyDeleteShe was interested in me and I thought she was the best I could hope to get ... best as in "bubbly, outgoing, skinny and cute".
Although I clearly made a mistake then, I don't know that I'm making better choices now just because I'm dating someone who isn't bubbly, outgoing or skinny and that I don't think is cute.
In other words, I wonder if I dropped my standards on appearance without actually raising them where it counts.
It's so paradoxical. Staying with someone who I clearly feel isn't good enough because I don't think anyone else is good enough either.
I think I have an avoidance complex. I avoid making hard decisions. I should be working on that