I want something from them in the short term, and I don't want to lose them, but I won't want to be with them in the long term. Every day that passes without acknowledging that is essentially a lie.
Sure I've told them that it won't be long term and that I'm not going to commit. But they are every bit as deluded as I am, cherry picking facts until the conclusion they want can be supported and the wisest course of action avoided.
Who is responsible?
I am. All of us may be ignoring facts we don't like, but my omissions are meant to mislead everyone, not just myself.
False hope. A crime that I have gone on committing in two out of three cases this week.
Sure, I've shut down the thing with my Thai love.
But here at home, the two Filipinas are still being fucked by me, in both senses of the phrase. They knew that the other existed but I told them that I was ending it... Ending everything... And when they made mild inquiries as to whether I had failed as much with the other as I had with them, I soft-pedaled the reality.
"Yes, I'm still talking to them but I'm trying to stop."
When I was last asked outright when I had last fucked "the other", I answered honestly. Is that really enough to assuage my guilt? No, because I've implied that it's not necessary to ask the question again, and nobody wants to ask the question when at some level they know that they will hate the answer.
I have to save my own soul here.
I have to end things that I don't want to end.
I have to end things like I've never done before.
Or just give up the hope that I've been selling to myself. The false hope that I can be the person I aspire to be.
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