Certitudes

"I like the dark-haired girl much better than the prof," my ex-wife weighed in unasked and uninvited. "I saw the prof downtown today, and ..." she mumbled something about a look. I couldn't make out what she said, figured it wasn't a hearty hello that she got, and I couldn't care remotely enough to have her repeat herself.

"Tough," I said inside my head. I was feeling both protective and proud about the prof in that scenario. Proud of the fact that the prof irritated her. Protective, worried that the prof might have felt discomfort through eye contact with my ex.

I almost called her. Yes, I know, we talked about doing that a couple of blog entries ago. Almost. I didn't, though. Mentally dialed the number, that's all.

It's been six months since I broke up with her, and I still often think of her, comparing my current relationship to my previous. It's unavoidable, or natural, I suppose, but it does cause some internal consternation.

There have even been moments that I wished it were possible to successfully be with two people at the same time.

But, no, the past is immutable. I am generally happy where I am, with the dark-haired girl.

Sure, the partial nature of our communication is a barrier, with almost all of attempts at humour falling flat today as an example... and I don't foresee the dark-haired bonding with my kids as easily as the more outgoing prof did, because she's very, very reserved around them...

It's hard enough to quantify my level of happiness now, or my level of happiness six months ago, much less compare the two, much less draw a conclusion. Much less know what to do next.

I myself feel bound by duty and commitment to stay on the road the marriage with the dark-haired girl, a road only to be deserted for good reason.

Which is perhaps how I ended up married the first time.

Oh, I just don't know.

I am happy where I am, overall. I am concerned about the future, because I think it will not see me as happy as I am now.

And parallel to that train of thought, I very much wanted to call the prof today, but didn't know if that would be bad - for her, or for me, or for both of us.

I guess that's all I'm trying to say.

Two girls. Two relationships. One brain thinking about them much too much, and much too late at night.