I don't think I'm looking for someone to control me, anymore...
Being told what to do just bothers me nowadays.
I've been reading a bit more of a book that details the myths North Americans hold about women in east Asia, and the realities. Some of it has gotten into my head, and not in a good way, adding to my paranoia perhaps.
So, ignoring that, I still had some quibbles about the past couple of days. Things that I would worry about no matter what her background. Some things are innocent by themself, but not if part of a pattern.
Ok, so we're shopping. I'm carrying things. One of the two-handled bags is dangling from the one handle I have. She's very insistent that this needs to be fixed, grabbing at the bag as I object that one is enough. We almost made a bit of a scene. In the end compromise was reached when we stopped just outside the store, before entering the rain, and some bag shifting occurred.
Ok, so we're talking. Talking about how busy my schedule is going to be this fall with soccer. How she thinks she should get a second job to keep busy. I felt pressure to drop some of my commitments. Not anything that different than would happen with anyone else I was dating.
Ok, so I had an ear infection. She encouraged me to see the doctor, and when it didn't clear up I did. My ear was rinsed out, and I felt better. The weekend on-call doctor said, don't worry about it, it will clear up on its own eventually. The dark-haired girl said that I should have gotten anti-biotics, and perhaps should see my family doctor for a second opinion. I said it was fine, but if it still bothered me next week I would.
It's all in my head, but I'm chafing because I see everything in the context of "when we get married is this what will happen?"
She cares. Perhaps too much, and I worry that this will be a problem. That I will be under someone's control, unable to be free, again.
On the other hand, if I were someone who could say "no" firmly, would I have to worry?
I think you know the answer to your question. And this time it isn't a no.
ReplyDeleteYou have to ask yourself how can >>you<< change to accept her personality in your life.
ReplyDeleteMaybe "no" isn't what you need to say. Sometimes just take her advice because it makes her happy and release your own need for control.
Like, shopping bags?! Is this going to affect your life tomorrow - next week - next year? I hope not. (said in a nice tone)
It sounds like soccer is a huge committment for you, and something that makes you feel good. I think it's important for any couple to have separate interests. But if it is super time consuming, try setting aside a special day or few hours when you normally wouldn't, just for her.
Isn't a no? Or isn't a yes? I'm confused!
ReplyDeleteThere is always compromise. The concern I have is probably originating from having been in a relationship where my compromises turned into my subjugation.
ReplyDeleteOr it could be as J said earlier, the grass being greener elsewhere, but only in my imagination.
For the shopping bags, we both backed off. It might just be a case of adjusting to each other's style.
I have already done things that I didn't agree with, simply because she asked. Like changing the route I took home in a storm. I thought my normal route was fine, but she worried, so I changed. In retrospect my original route on the highway probably would have been better, because in-town roads were flooded in several places and I had a slow slog home. I don't regret the decision to listen to her, however, because nothing serious happened.
In terms of soccer, I've already dropped one of 3 personal activities I had planned for the upcoming season, and tried to find alternate arrangements for one of the 2 kids' activities. Everything else I hope to tune and tweak once things are underway and I know what the schedule is. If I'm spending every day with soccer and never seeing her, I will fix it.
We talked last night a little bit. I said that I would make sure we have time together. I tried to be assertive without going overboard, however, saying that the ideal was that we both add to each other's lives without either of us giving up anything important to ourselves, such as friends and activities.
Tonight she is having supper with someone that she helped in the past, who is leaving town. It's the kind of thing that I think she shouldn't have to give up to be with me. She might have just decided to do it as a way of "entertaining herself in case V isn't available", but I don't think so. I think she does enjoy surprise social engagements like this one.
I want to be an important part of her life, but not her whole life, and I want her to be an important part of my life, but not my whole life. That could be interpreted as a bad thing, but I just know that one person cannot possible satisfy all the needs another person has, and that's why so many marriages fail - the expectation that one person is everything.
We should be essential to each other, but not at the expense of blocking out everyone and everything else...