Dating as Data-gathering

Please note: It will take me several paragraphs of prefacing ideas before I get to the actual point. As always.

Today I'm trying to imagine the perfect date, in a couple of senses. What would make a perfect date differs depending on the state of the relationship, and the purpose of the date. Let's focus on the initial date, the first encounter of the relationship. At this point, the first date could be one of several things, beyond the actual content (eg. its not just about enjoyment of the meal):

- An opportunity to show off your most attractive attributes and reel in the other person.
- An opportunity to know the other person better and decide where the relationship goes next.
- And, as always, none of the above.

I think I'm in a process of "speed relationship-ing". As with speed dating, it is an accelerated process of getting to know someone. It probably has the same flaws in that some details only come through lengthy times of contact*. I think it's a result of my feeling that several years of my life were wasted as a figurative somnambulist. I want to know *now* if this person is the one, and who this person really is. Thus today's topic.

One of the keys to my happiness is to be sure that I am liked for who I am, good and bad. To that end I've intentionally discarded the first purpose of the first date, "reeling in the other person". That doesn't mean I'm intentionally showing off my worst attributes, but instead just being myself. For example, my elbows will be on the table while I'm eating. Yes, I'm quite aware that this is a breach of etiquette in some circles, but if that drives someone crazy, better to know it now.

So that leaves "knowing the other person better". Now a relationship is many, many things. Ideally you are both friends and lovers, and that most mysterious of all things, in love. I don't think you can predetermine if you are or will be in love**.

Friendship can be obvious, and you can tell from the conversations before the date (which is probably the reason you're on the date in the first place!), and during the date.

Lovers, the most presumptuous and initimate portion of the relationship, is a bit more difficult. If there is chemistry, that becomes apparent immediately. But what if you want to know how a woman smells up close, or what it would be like to kiss the nape of her neck? How do you work that into a date? You could just not plan anything, and leave it to chance. But I've left things to chance for too long in my life; taking control of my life's rudder has proven to be too positive a change. I don't want to leave everything to chance anymore.

So today I am trying to come up with a plan, for the perfect date.

* This brings to mind another topic for another time, "Prolonging the intolerable", where a relationship that includes a person who is away for more than half the time lingers on despite obvious deficiencies.

** Yet another topic for another time. Falling in love is a weird and unpredictable thing. It can happen in minutes or over years. And I've done both, which surprised me.