I was contemplating yesterday, after I got off the phone in back to back calls with my Dad, and my mother-in-law, that it's slightly odd how things work out in terms of family.
My parents divorced when I was very, very young, so I always consider my first meeting with my Dad to have happened when I was 22. We haven't really kept in touch very well since then; meeting in person perhaps 3 or 4 times, talking on the phone only a handful of times more than that. I've met my half-brother once, talked to my half-sister on the phone twice. I think this Christmas was the first in 2 or 3 years I had talked to my Dad, and we spent about an hour on the phone, briefly talking about my separation and mainly talking about the boom in the British Columbia economy.
Contrast that with the shorter phone call (just under an hour) I next had with my mother-in-law. We also talked about the separation, but there was context there. We talked about her husbands ailments (he's not doing very well), and their recent move.
I got off the phone and realized that I had more in common, more to talk about, and more feelings of warmth and care for my mother-in-law than my father. Time is more important than blood.
I may not be sure that I separated from my wife at exactly the right time. Maybe I stuck it out too long for the supposed sake of the kids, maybe because of my own fears. But I think I did pretty well. My kids actually know me. They may even remember me :-) They can talk to me, and I'm about as important in their life as a parent can be (without it being overdone, of course). So despite my fears of being my father, of making his mistakes, I didn't.
And at this point, my sons are hopefully far enough along that they can weather the storms that occasional dot their life landscape. And truly it is better. As even though today began with rain and landslides, more of their weather forecasts now are for cloudy skies at worst than they used to be. The occasional tornado still appears, yes. But it's like moving from Kansas to Saskatchewan, tornado-wise. And half the time they can vacation in a place where tornadoes are very rare. Ok, I'm getting out of hand with this metaphor.
I don't think that they are rejoicing the way I did when my mother and stepfather divorced when I was 12, but I think that they understand some of the benefits despite the feelings of sadness I'm sure they have. In the end, happier parents have to lead to happier kids, I figure.
Today was not happy, though. My sister-in-law called this morning trying to find my ex. She (sister) didn't have her (ex's) new phone number, only her (ex's) cell phone number, and she (ex) wasn't answering. We arranged to have breakfast together and jointly decided that I should call my ex to arrange to have the boys, my ex, and her current beau join us, which I did. Unfortunately the tone of voice I heard change throughout the call warned me that I, or my sister-in-law, had done something wrong. My ex later explained to me in anger and tears what that was. Apparently I had missed that her beau had been uncomfortable on the previous occasion we had gone out as a group (at her invitation), but then she said that really the difference was that she had discussed with him in advance of inviting me that I would be there. "How would I feel if it were my girlfriend in his shoes? (see * below)" Well, certainly had I been aware that he was uncomfortable, I would have done things differently. I felt at the time that I was just making the arrangements in the same "trying to be friends" manner that she had. But this is indeed her sister. It does remind me that she did something similar with my mom, though... which is technically worse, as her sister and I are friends, and my mother and my ex are not so much. So, I fall back on the basic rule of thumb I have -- it doesn't need to make sense to me anymore. If such as situation occurs again in the future, I'll fine tune based on what I know now.
It does remind me though, that I need to figure out when it is best to explain to new woman that I like and want to have a relationship with, what an interesting person I was married to, and what a unique relationship my ex and I now have.
It's a bit of a leap of faith, opening up about that part of my life. I'm considering doing two things, actually... telling her about my ex, and perhaps even letting her read this, my public diary. I feel that giving someone I know the address to this blog is like saying, here is my heart, I'm putting it in your hands, and this is where I find out what between us is meant to be, what is possible. It's all fine for strangers to read it, but with someone I have an interest in, that's different.
I guess we'll see what I decide...
* (To which I inadverantly implied that she had interfered with my relationships on several occasions. Oh, how I rue the moments when I forget that there is still one woman on this planet that I need to censor myself around.)
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