It is one thing to battle the thoughts you have, the visible surface of the iceberg, and quite another to be sunk by the behaviours you have no direct explanation for.
Even when I am at a point where nothing bad is going on, when I am relatively happy, I can still find myself staying up too late, shopping online, or even occasionally searching out the more soul-destroying forms of internet imagery, all for no apparent reason.
What echoes at the moment is something the prof would say when admonishing me... that I did not, deep-down, believe that I deserved happiness, and was self-sabotaging because of that.
At this moment, I can't imagine anyone believing that they deserve happiness, because we humans are all such a doubting and paranoid bunch, but I seem to go a step farther and believe that I deserve unhappiness.
It's hard to keep a handle on myself sometimes, but I wish I could do so more reliably.
Earlier tonight I was struck by how happy being around the dark-haired girl for an hour or two made me.
And I went to bed.
Then I got up.
I shouldn't have. It was a first step driven by my apparent unconscious self-loathing.
Stopping now.
No comments:
Post a Comment