Afterthoughts

I continue to think about current events.

Birdie is just stepping out into single-hood for the first time.  I shouldn't make any assumptions of what her expectations are.  She is likely exploring, learning, transitioning.  Our conversations have included discussions of the online world, the transition, and the difficulties of still living with someone you've split from.  She's been the aggressor in many ways, so I shouldn't place all the credit for physical activities upon myself.  That being said, I am not innocent myself.  At least last night stopped at a good point, restraint appropriate to the lack of latex on hand.

Mercury is, on the surface, back to normal today.  She's asked for help with presenting a written argument for work, assistance with wording as English is her second language.  Things will likely feel awkward between us, but it is what it is, and what it is is the state after I didn't use restraint appropriate to having only one instance of latex on hand.

The masochist... I don't want to disappoint her.

In so many relationships that I've had over the years, I have grown to know and like, and to be very close with, several great women.  What ended up being the deal-breaker more times than not wasn't a flaw per se, but a realization that our lives, our lifestyles, would never comfortably fit together.  Which seems pragmatic, but a shame.  Especially when I sometimes wonder how much weight that requirement should have.  Life changes.  We change.  Courses that are not parallel now may not always be that way.

I regret not being more flexible in the past.  Not going to Singapore with the prof, for example.  I think I regret the lack of flexibility more than the naive mistakes I made first starting out, the mistakes made from a lack of confidence.  An unwillingness to change is a death knell.  How can you grow if you aren't willing to change?

But all of that circles around the point at hand.

The masochist and I are quite alike in our belief system.  I don't know that we quite share the same sense of humour, so I might be overestimating the amount that we mesh, but it's always hard to quantify how much similarity and how much difference is the right amount to have between the two people in a relationship.  There's enough alignment in our personalities.  There's enough.  And she's as my ex-wife has described her, a nice person in the end.  The warping provided to her by genealogy and life experience has given her idiosyncrasies, things that are outside the mainstream, but she's got a positive core nonetheless.

And so I have this ongoing reluctance to question, to delve into the question of how parallel or not our lifestyles are.  I don't want to come to the conclusion that this can go nowhere, because I want it to continue.

She's got a partner, a partner that's not me, and I'm perhaps just her friend with benefits, but that phrase doesn't quite sufficiently convey the emotional connection.

I don't know.

I continue to think.