Introspection

I absorb.

When I read a book, when I get advice, when someone talks to me, I can be affected.  I can internalize and be swayed by new information.

This week I was contemplating the label affixed to me by the couple I spoke of in my last entry.  After meeting with them for several hours, with them being quite firm, to understate it, that I was submissive, I went home to contemplate things further.  Certainly I did not want to end up submerged in a relationship with another dominant woman who controlled me without empathy.

Salvation from this train of thought came from a strange place.  A call from my ex, who pointed out that she saw a different scenario.  From her perspective, knowing me for years rather than hours, I only became submissive around very dominant individuals.  More of a part-time alpha male, if you will.  Dominant and in control except in certain situations.

And that fit better than the labels I had been wrestling with.

Generally speaking, whatever role I've played, whatever I've done in the sexual realm, has been of my choosing. The couple said that a submissive tells her/his dominant "these are my needs, these are my boundaries", and the dominant chooses when and which needs are met.  This is part of why submissives are considered to be the ones with final say... they have their safe word, they make the original rules.  When it comes to sexual activities, I have almost always made the choice.  I made the other person do what I wanted.  I was the dominant figure, even when what I wanted might have seemed like a submissive act.

When one looks through specific lens, allowing for only black and white, it leads to inaccuracy.  If one tries to pick a slot for me in the D/s framework, it's hard to make me fit and have it make sense.  If one backs up and uses multiple frameworks (personality type such as "type A", empathic versus not, etc.), one doesn't get so tied up in knots, so to speak.

So, who am I?

I have a deep seated need to induce positive feelings in other people.  I have a deep seated need to see justice in the world.  I will either step to the fore to make a decision or verbally push people towards a decision, and I will make things happen.  At the same time, I can build a consensus or recognize when there is a greater force in the room who has taken charge, and I can step back.  That's all my social self.  I'm a negotiator, neither a doormat nor an asshole.

I nonetheless enjoy the physical and mental aspects of dominating a woman in bed. Physical like my hands pushing her entire body down onto my thrusting member using the back of her neck and shoulders, or even her head. Whispering stories of what she situations she might find herself in, and letting her moans tell me which bit makes her ache for more. Seeing her uncontrollable shake, shudder, back arching, toes curling, only the whites of her eyes visible.

It is only a partner that I respect the strengths of that I find appealing.  I do not seek completely submissive girls.  I want someone who is smart and independent, and yet enjoys receiving what I have to offer, who enjoys the experience I enjoy giving.

I am not any one of the colours in the 3 colour spectrum.  I span it, I am outside of it.  Its the wrong measure to even use.  I'm a human, complicated.

No simple label can apply.