The dark-haired girl apologized this morning for being so emotional last night, for pressuring (her word) me about the possibility of marriage in the future, and asked if she were driving me away.
I said that there is nothing wrong with sharing how you feel, even if when you are unhappy... that I understand why she feels that way, and how her background determines how she sees dating... that I haven't been driven away yet.
It had been an evening that started with discussion. Discussion of what life might be like together. It went well for awhile, while we tossed questions and answers back and forth about hypothetical situations.
Eventually, though, we talked about some concerns I have, and some concerns she has.
My concerns were about mutual interests and communication. For example, we don't share a cultural background, meaning that we wouldn't share touchstones such as music. Not the end of the world, I said... after all, I did date someone in country music, and that just made me relent on my lifelong dislike of it.
Communication has improved since we first met. We understand each other better, but I still have to be cognisant of the fact that I cannot use the full palette of words available to me. I was concerned about having deep conversations, because for a long time she was upset by them, but the conversation we were in the middle of was proof that they were possible.
Her concern was that she has the goal of marriage, and I have no set goal, my destination being wherever the relationship takes us. She said herself that it was too early to know if we were going to marry one day, but the fact that I did not share her goal for the relationship scared her. She was very upset about this chasm between us, and cried. The last half hour we were together, she couldn't bear to look at me. I cried as well, and struggled to find away to be both honest and reassuring.
I figured that whatever the goal might be, we still need to spend time together to see what the future can, will, and should hold for us. The last thing I said, the most reassurance I could give, was "we are not that far apart".
We just look at the same thing and see it differently.
Obviously I have no idea how long you have known this woman, nor do I know her age. Marriage is not so attractive for people who have been through it already. I was in an 11 year relationship, so a long term gig is nothing new to me. However, if might be extremely important to a new man in my life. Hard to balance things with new lovers. My motto is, best to wait an entire year before even addressing marriage, you never really know if someone is right for you until then. Sounds long, but it's true.
ReplyDeleteI've known her for a mere 3 months, 1 week, 1 day. She's never been married, no children, mid-thirties, and arrived in Canada about 6 years ago, so there's possibly some additional pressure on her to marry due to her cultural background, although anyone I know who is also in the same situation, and grew up in Canada feels the same pressure. I subconsciously feel certain pressures myself, no matter how enlightened my conscious mind is.
ReplyDeleteWe talked about how long it takes to know someone well enough to make such a decision, and a year and a half is our probably tipping point. We should have a good idea by that point how things are working out... although I still worry about that faroff moment today.