Neither

I don't know why I thought that it was possible to sleep with the prof, to have long conversations with her on the phone, and expect that it wasn't going to turn into a resumption of an actual relationship. Friends who may enjoy each other's company upon occasion was what I thought we could or had become, but she doesn't operate at that shallower level. She is either in the pool, or out of the pool.

Frankly I don't know what I'm doing.

The dark-haired girl does not give me what the prof gave me in many ways. But the prof was too demanding even as she proclaimed that she asked for nothing.

It's all sex and emotion and feeling and desire and lust and... there's nothing noble about any of it right now. That's not wrong in itself, however. Not everything in life has to be noble to exist, or even to be desirable. Imperfection still grants moments of beauty and joy. And I have yet to find perfection in any relationship, in any person, in any situation. I'm using. I've been used. No cause and effect involved in those two statements, they are merely statements. Statements of acceptance.

Perhaps I do know what I'm doing.

I have adapted to the new world.

Adapted to be somehow simultaneously happier and cynical. Sometimes even optimistic, but I don't feel that right now. I feel dark, embracing all that I decried. Unevolved. Raw. Selfish.

I've never been more like a normal person. I have become normal.

Can I let that stand?