The Dark Side

I continue to have doubts and concerns about someone.

Trust is incredibly dear to me. The number of people I can trust, who have never ever ever betrayed that trust is infinitesimal.

I've countered my long term paranoia and shyness by being as utterly open as opportunity permits. I haven't really been burned yet by doing so, but it is still a struggle sometimes, especially when I'm perceiving someone as a game player.

Games lead to unhappiness, a lack of trust, the fatal deterioration of a relationship.

On the other hand, I am paranoid.

So how do I ensure that I'm not seeing things that aren't there? Everyone has an agenda, but advice from someone I trust is still valuable. And to have my feelings/concerns/observations confirmed by said someone means something.

But that draws me back to my thoughts on image and even the nature of reality. Sometimes you can draw a conclusion based on a shred of evidence, and everyone can reach the same conclusion on the same evidence, but sometimes that conclusion is wrong.

So, I want to be able to say that I will follow my rules, and be open, and trusting, until given a concrete (not implied) reason not to be. But it is so hard. A lifetime of Pavlovian training makes me cling to suspicion. Which kills the opening. Which makes *me* the one killing the relationship. Which is not following the new rules.

Aargh!

10:00am
Postscript
Still, I want to hold myself accountable, and hold myself to the positive aspects of my self-image.