January 18th & 19th recovered blog entries

January 19th
2:03pm The Crisis of Faith...
...is over. We hope.

Spent way too much mind and time on this dating thing of late. I guess that's why I need the simple rules. To keep me from overthinking.

Back to work

11:04am Gender
:-)

It amuses me that the start of the previous blog entry is somewhat stereotypical "girlish". Bring on the bon-bons!

10:22am So soon?
Good thing I have all these chocolates from last night.

lol

Dating sucks.

lol

It has made me happy on a regular basis. But it's always complicated it seems.

(Mmmm... chocolate for breakfast)

Ok, so why this blog entry? Why is "so soon" the title?

I can't seem to get what I want. Or is it need? Both.

I want a woman in my life, one who is intelligent, good-hearted, independent, sassy, attractive, stable, happy, living life, with an active mind, body and soul. Ok, so I've gotten that. More than once. More than twice! Lucky bastard!

I do want someone to spend time with. Talking. Being. Physically. And not just anyone. See above.

(more chocolate is tempting... must resist)

Is that wrong? I don't think so.

(milk)

So soon I am thinking about something I don't want to be thinking about. Where is this going, how is it working? I have two choices.

I can accept defeat and try again, or I can see what happens.

(Well... what's it going to be?)

I honestly don't think someone like this comes along every day. I know I've been damn lucky; it sure seems that way. There are so many people that are small minded, stupid, mean, soul ugly, petty, boring at best, self-absorbed. I don't feel safe in rolling the dice again to begin with.But that's not the main issue. I can force myself to roll the dice if need be. I'm sure I can convince myself that a lucky streak doesn't have to end.

(Semisonic - Closing Time: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end").

I'm not ready to accept defeat quite yet.I have hope.I will see what happens.

I will straddle that line between trying too hard and not hard enough.

Like a Valentine's day card come to life, I will continue to present my heart and hope it is accepted.

My fingers are crossed.

Let this concern be merely a temporary setback, a case of worrying too much.

Besides, there are two interpretations of my rule that is the cause of my worry.

The rule? "Do not wait for life to happen."

On the one hand, one could interpret the situation as waiting around for something to happen, blind hopefulness that can lead to letting life pass by. I think this interpretation is what's causing my anxiety.

But the second interpretation is this:

Make life happen.

If I really want to date you, I will find a way.

12:04am Empathy
This week I've twice felt this way, twice where I could do nothing to help someone in pain, so frustrating. One situation a child, injured by a fall, another an adult, suddenly beset by a toothache. I wanted so bad to help, but I'm not a doctor or a dentist. I want to solve. All I can do is wish. Hope. Feel for that person. :-(

Later
I don't understand.... now I'm feeling bad for feeling bad. Maybe because I shouldn't have any complaints, when I'm doing well in comparison.

Still Later
I know they're going to be ok. It upsets me to know they're not ok right now, but I know they're going to be ok. Must get some sleep.

January 18th
11:17am The Speed Limit
When you like, connect with, and feel comfortable with someone, what is the (or should there even be a) speed limit?

This year I have tried to live by some key thoughts. Caution not fear. Be you, be open, be with people. Don't wait for life to happen. This has made a tremendous difference in life, in how I feel, in how I live. I am back on a path I'm happy with, where I'm happy with myself (see also "Redemption", as yet unpublished).

Today the internal debate is on the last one, "don't wait". When you start to value a relationship, you don't want to mess it up. Conventional wisdom is that by diving in too deep or too fast it somehow messes things up. But, :-) , conventional wisdom is usually a load of crap. I think that there is no need for a speed limit; it will be what it will be, and holding back from diving in will not make a relationship better, it can only make it worse.

12:14am Unsettled
Did you ever have the feeling that you were unintentionally annoying someone you cared about? You weren't sure, but you didn't want to ask and aggravate matters if you were right?
Perhaps she had a bad day, was too busy to talk, or you simply misunderstood something... so you're not pouting about it, but... it's...

Unsettling.