And then there were... none?

My friend said to me, while we were discussing dating life, that before I could be in a new relationship, I had to learn how to live by myself.*

But...

I've lived by myself. Truly alone. For too long.

I spent 11 years in a job where it was frowned upon to have any conversation that was not 100% work related. Most of the employees were hired because they went to the same church; the rest of us could enjoy quiet, solitary coffee breaks reviewing the pamphlets from said church. I always said that when I started working alone in my basement it was less lonely than that job, but working at home is still working alone, and it's still lonely.

Before I was married, I had quite a few female friends. When you're married, you don't get to keep those friends it seems. Male friends? Well, I can get along with people fine, but my interests are not the common man football-watching beer-drinking interests, and my social consciousness places me apart as well. I don't count acquaintances as friends. I don't count everyone I get along with as friends. Friends are people I have a relationship with, that I can call on the phone just to chat with. So, the long and the short of it is... I do not have many friends by this definition.

But at least I was married? To someone I didn't want to be with. That I didn't want to spend any more time with than I had to. I was there because I felt it was the best thing I could do for my children, and not because of the simplistic "two parents are better than one" falsehood. I had serious concerns.

So. Years. Alone. Depressing. Depression. Hopeless. Unhappy. Crying. Hopeless.

Until one day I made the change.

I don't need to be on my own.

I need to continue expanding my social circle. I need to aggressively pursue any and all relationships that can pan out. Man is a social creature. I have starved too long when it comes to having people around me.

I know who I am. I may not always have a handle on exactly where I'm at every moment, and I make mistakes, but I know who I *am*.

So, dating.

A new approach led to 3 possibilities.

One led to a nice date with a nice girl who thinks I'm a nice guy and she'd like another date. But she's not for me. Not someone I can see as a friend or more than a friend. No connection, or hint that we would match beneath the surface. The end.

One led to a series of stilted chats and e-mails with a woman who is no longer dating after a series of dates with losers. She's very attractive, and from what little I can glean, not without intelligence. Her guard is so high, however, that I know nothing about her, and I struggle to find a topic to talk about. The end.

One led to a woman who was initially very interested, and I was interested, and then in one masterful stroke I squashed her interest. The end**

Hmmm... can I be too worried and too optimistic simultaneously?

Well, the key thought here is this:
I'm ahead of where I was. There is hope. There are possibilities. I will solve this problem and find a way to have a reasonable social circle and the right significant other.

The social circle will come, perhaps through a class, a hobby, some event, or maybe just one person at a time. The right significant other will come with patience and persistence.


Footnotes:

* Of course, if I take this to mean that I should find my balance in life and get myself in order before proceeding, well, she's absolutely right! Oh well, I still needed to vent about being lonely.

**I keep waffling on whether this "the end" is followed by a question mark or a period. Sometimes, like today, I get the feeling that she's withdrawing. But she's not entirely. I'm still not sure how much store I should put it my ability to read people, especially when contact is solely over the 'net.