"Couples are everywhere. When one is single, not being part of a couple somehow seems to indicate that there might be something wrong. Younger single people take it more in stride, whereas, those who have been coupled (especially those who were married for many years) find singlehood to be very uncomfortable at first. Yet, in both cases, there is a need for coupling. It is natural. There is nothing wrong with it. That is, as long as one avoids plunging into love relationships just to prove that they are loveable. Those who struggle with this very thing need emotional validation. For most, finding someone special with whom to share their lives is all the validation that they need. For others, the other person validates them as someone who is worthy of love, valuable as a person, and desired as a man/woman. It's a basic human need. The point is that some are more needy than others and some of those are too needy. As a result, such relationships usually do not last. If the other person is more settled in their singleness, they become very stressed by the intensity of the one who is needy. Being responsible for continually validating another individual can be exhausting work. "
This might apply to me. I'm not the worst I know, but I'm sad that I didn't catch on to this sooner.
In a way, it kinda pisses me off that everything positive that I may have done is now cast in this light, reframed as a sign of neediness.
But, that's the price paid for a lack of self-awareness.
I am who I am, which isn't all bad. I have my emotional frailties, but I'm still nicer and more empathic than most people out there.
I can't help but compare this to the relationship between me and "L". She was truly needy, and when we broke up, she freaked out, swearing never to date a man again. I called her back a month later to see how she was doing, but the wall was up and it was as high as could be.
In this case, I'm the needy* one. But I won't be giving up. I won't be blaming other people for my emotional needs and mistakes. And "D", she won't be calling me to see how I'm doing. Nothing against her for it, she is who she is. She's just not me.
Post-Script:
* To be clear, the "need" was to see someone more than once a month, or even just talk on the phone. In retrospect, it wasn't that I was asking too much, I just wasn't able to accept not getting it! Something so trivial!
Post-Post-Script:
I went from getting "thank you's " for being respectful, and so giving of space... to this!
A further thought on this, February 5th
I wonder if the difference isn't all me. Some people value monogamy (the positive non-smothering kind, of course). I think "D" valued a shallow but wide interaction, preferring chatting with many over phone calls or being in person. Perhaps I was trying to give her something she didn't want, she rejected it, and then I did a poor job of dealing with the fact that I wasn't making her happy. Who knows...
Post-Post-Post-Script:
Fiona Apple's "Parting Gift" has appropriate lyrics:
I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love
I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
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