Jane is tired, ’cause every man becomes a lovesick jerk

I'm a bit down at the moment.

I'm waffling on whether or not to take some time off of my main quest, expanding my social circle, and dating.

I'm asking myself a tough question. Is it impossible for me to let go? I should have left my job sooner, left my marriage sooner, left my band sooner, left some people that I've dated sooner... All over my life I stick it out too long. Worse yet, even after something finally ends, I dwell on it. Hell, I'm still dwelling on someone I went on 2 dates with because I'm sure she thinks I'm a crazy stalker, and I just can't accept being misjudged. Or worse, that she may be right!*

I'm also thinking about my handicap. Fatal blurtiness. Sooner or later words come out of my mouth that I have no clue on the origin of. As I watch Coupling, the absolutely hilarious BBC series, I identify with Jeff. Not in the caricature of a man obsessed with sex, but in the sense that whenever he meets someone or is in the "perfect situation", he messes it up by saying something odd.

Change is hard, however. In some ways I am finally coming back to who I was**, but in other ways I remaining who I've always been. Not possessive, or clinging, but *requiring* validation by others. I try so hard to not care what other people think of me, but it always comes down to that I guess.

So, where to turn, what to do... I don't want to burden anyone. But. The only solution to my problem seems to be in meeting other people. I don't know. I just don't know.

Where do I go next?


*Not in the legal sense, of course. :-) I'm not hiding underneath her window, or tracking her every move. But I have tried to e-mail her after things were over. I couldn't just let it go like I knew I should because I felt misjudged. It's all about self-validation through others, isn't it?

**Outgoing social activist. Lost this in the married years somehow.